4/1/23

Good morning. How did you sleep? Yeah, no me too. I think I'm at a good point in my life right now. Allow me to break down a recent thought process I have been having.

 Look back at pictures that will spark a memory from a few years ago that you find positively nostalgic. More specifically, find pictures from a specific time in your life, whether it's a certain day, a week, or an undefined "era", in which you can see symbols or reminders of that period and miss being in that space. For me, that time was February through June 2021, the end of my senior year. As you're looking at said pictures, remember everything that was physically happening before you, fully flush out the memory in detail, tracking through all the moments, interactions, and occurrences that now make that time so special to you. Senior skip day, Graduation, me and Barney, my BFF, forming the relationship we have now, taking edibles at Prom. Now start to process those memories, and focus more on your feelings and emotions during that time. What did you feel like when your friends went home and you were alone with your thoughts, or what was going on personally that had no effect on the memory, but had a major effect on you at the time. My ex posted a TikTok "announcing" his relationship with the boy he cheated on me with, three people coming to my graduation party, mine and my dad's relationship hitting all new lows. This process is what has been helping me come to terms with my current situation. For people like me, it's extremely hard to live in the physical present world. I'm constantly thinking, about no one thing in particular, just thoughts popping in and out of my head every minute of every day since I gained consciousness sitting on the rug in the back of my third-grade classroom. And at a certain point, though when specifically I'm not sure, in which you become exhausted, not by the thoughts or feelings, but at how hard it feels like you're trying to fight against them. Drink water, you're depressed because you're not drinking enough water. Actually, try this medication that can either cure you or make your thoughts worse. That one didn't work? Up the dosage or try a different one, and then take that every day for the rest of your life. Be single for a while, and focus on yourself, you need time to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. Or at least pretend to love yourself, look at yourself in the mirror, and repeat your daily affirmations until it works. Or maybe you need something physical, dye your hair and maybe the person you are inside will sync to the one everyone sees, or get some work done so even when you are sad at least you look good without makeup on. Get into witchcraft. And at 20 years old you realize your brain is yours, and no matter the amount of effort you put into improving what needs to be improved, there is no cure for what's wrong with you. So, what I've done to actually help, ill update in a few weeks if it was just mania or not, is embracing pessimism. When I look back at the end of my senior year, all the genuine happiness I felt, I still wasn't happy. Those memories are intermingled with videos of me crying in the shower, arguments with my parents, and the stress of college coming ever closer by the day. The point is, day-to-day life sucks. You can feel as happy as you possibly could, but while it's happening your brain refuses to let you actually enjoy it at the time. But the second I began telling myself that I might just not be a very happy person inside, it allowed me to feel my happiness so much more. Without the stress of fighting and trying to be a happy person, and allowing my brain to process however it needs to, it's allowed me to almost see through it, knowing I won't enjoy it if I keep trying to. Obviously, this won't work for everyone, every single person in the world process and analyzes the world around them in a vastly different way, but this has been working for me. Letting go. At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with my life. I love my roommates, I have an apartment in a city halfway across the country from where I was born, farther than anyone else in my family has moved to, I'm pursuing a career that I care very passionately for, and I have friends who care for me. So while it is exhausting feeling like you suck and life sucks and the constant thoughts about everything, there is so much comfort to be found in knowing you can't change that. Now we're going on three weeks and I haven't really had a bad day, some days are better than others, and when I am upset and I don't want to get out of bed or go to class or go to the gym, I've come to an understanding that that's just how I am sometimes. There isn't anything to fix, nothing is broken, you're just hardwired differently.

I hope that translated well. Take it with a grain of salt, if nothing else maybe that paragraph gave a good sense of how my brain works. 

I want to talk about clothes. But, ah ah ah, not just designers or streetwear or boring stuff I've already covered. We're talking about design. I'm currently taking a garment construction class, focusing on learning and integrating sewing and construction methods taught at the beginning of the class to create pieces toward the end. Thus far, I've made a lined vest, and a pair of fleece-lined pants, one of which I hate, as well as a pair of pants and a dress shirt last year. In addition, I've also taken an Illustration class which teaches you how to properly illustrate fashion designs, as well as a design class that taught me how to make patterns, which covers two other lenses of the design process; design, patternmaking, and construction. And while in these classes it allowed me to experience a little bit of what a career as a designer may feel like. For me, one of my biggest pitfalls is execution from the brain to physical garment, figuring out the measurements and reality of construction of a piece that was exponentially more complex in my head than I am able to execute at my current level of expertise. One of the ways I think I've been able to help myself with this is by relying more on my own methods. As Im sure any art student can attest, there is always going to be a professor who believes they have the one true way of creating art, and last year that expectation killed me creatively. I'm someone who enjoys making things that are unique to me, I won't say anything I've made is groundbreaking or even all that good, but I like having my vision and my process of how I'm going to do it. So what I've begun doing is making my own patterns, and definitely going against my professor's wishes with some of the fabric and details that I use in my designs. And by doing so, I've been able to toy more with who I am as an artist and what exactly it is I hope to one day contribute to the zeitgeist but has also given me more perspective on what everyone else is doing as well. There are a few designers that I think are amazing examples to look at when examining the elements of design through their artistic lens. My favorites, Dolce and Gabbana, who have always been very steadfast in their commitment to their brand identity. You can see in their collections that there is an inspiration, and an art style they derive a lot of their designs from. As is the case with a lot of gothic art, Christian symbols are used religiously (haha) in many of their collections, as symbols like crosses and veils register in our brains very cohesively signaling a message; "God", which then impacts how we perceive the rest of the design. Iris Van Herpen has also said she takes a lot of her inspiration from the Earth, and life itself. and you can see that mirrored in the organicness of her pieces. Vivienne Westwood has had a consistent aesthetic for decades, using the punk scene as somewhat of a muse, inspiring the colors, patterns, and fabrics she used throughout all of her collections. I bring up Westwood specifically because the A/W2023/24 collection was so bad, I had to investigate. Before her passing, her husband Andreas Kronthelar had been contributing to the design process, and I believe is carrying on the brand now. However, there are two "sectors" of the Westwood brand; Vivienne Westwood, and AK for Vivienne Westwood. On March 5th, AK for Vivienne Westwood presented the A/W 2023/24 collection in Paris. Led by Kronthelar, the collection was stated to be an homage to Westwood's legacy, and the years she contributed to the environment of the fashion industry. The collection featured staples of the brand, the plaid, the checkered print, and the patterned ginormous satin skirts styled to perfection with oversized scarves and sweaters. Vivienne Westwood in all her glory. A week later, Vivienne Westwood, led by "the team", as Vogue put it, released a more commercial line for A/W. This collection featured graphic Ts and denim skinny jeans. I'm not sure of the exact timeline, but from what I read, the most recent AK for Vivienne Westwood collection was the last one Westwood herself actually contributed to, and it shows. I was hoping, looking back at previous collections, that maybe I was confused and that they have always had a more commercially appealing collection, proceeded by something that actually looked like Vivienne Westwood. Evidently, I believe my hopes are incorrect. This most recent collection is the first that Westwood didn't have a say in, and the loss of creativity is abundantly clear. The collection embodies Jaded London releases, masked by a name the fashion industry has held dear and close to their hearts for decades. This brings me back to my original point, knowing your own process. As someone with an interest in design, and personally as someone who struggles a lot with finding their own creativity a lot of the time, it's so important to figure out what works. I've said it a million times, school kills creativity, and for people whose career it is to be creative, it's vital that you find out how to wiggle your opinion in through the masses. We can see evidence of people who refused to lose their voice in the industry and how well it's worked for them in the long run, and we've seen so much evidence of people who have no voice at all. So just start doing shit. Go to Joanns and look at the fabric and just let your brain make something up. (I'm not trying to sound inspiring this is cringe). 

Stream Portals. 

I love you all I hope you have an amazing start to your week. Really let the creative juices flow, juice on everything, get your fluids everywhere, and move out of Iowa if you can. 

~Christian Reid