8/19/24

It seems to be a widespread experience that, by the time most of us reach the age we once longed to be, our desires begin to double back on us, and we find ourselves craving the simplicity we seem to have taken for granted. Though the knowledge that lingering on the past truly serves know one is drilled well into my brain, I can't seem to shake the constant, almost insistent, reflection I so often fall into. Reflection on friends, reflection on family, reflection on myself, and most importantly, reflection on everything that has happened that has lead me and my life to be what it has become. For some reason, regardless of knowing better, I can't help but feel that I need to. In a way, it makes sense, that for me to grow and become what I need to be even later down the line, I must take the time to sit and think about - essentially - everything as much as I can. And while reflection I don't think is ever an entirely negative thing, and certainly a recommended trait to learn in order to not repeatedly find oneself in the same position, I've recently been *reflecting*, on whether or not some of my current decisions, aren't being repeated, but influenced, by things potentially better left in the past. 

The past few months have been mentally challenging ones, and by "past few" I mean since November. For lack of better, less egotistical-sounding terms, I've gone through somewhat of a metamorphosis, with a new personality, new interests, and new outlook; leaving the me that exists now to put the pieces together to find out what my real personality, interests, and outlooks are. I'm learning, as it feels I always am, what I like, what I don't, and what I need to keep around in my later life. I think one of the biggest switches that caused this, within 2024 specifically, was the amount of traveling I've been somehow lucky enough to do. I started the year right after getting back from NYC in which I met a good friend of mine that I'd known since 2020 for the first time. And for another first time, it was exactly what I wanted it to be. Not only did I get to see NYC Christmas, and meet a friend that I feel I've grown a lot with, even at the distance at which we live from each other, but I learned in that moment two things; I needed more than anything to live in New York City, as I had wanted to for the previous decade it took that moment for me to realize how willing I was to do whatever it took to make it happen, and that my negative experiences with meeting people, and finding people who I felt a mutual care for, was not my fault. A few months later I did something I had never done before and went on a trip by myself to Los Angeles, taking a good amount out of my savings which I really only ever do for the bare minimum essentials when I need to, and met up with another long time long-distance friend. It was an all-new place, with essentially a stranger, and I genuinely could not have had a better time. Daniel and I spent years Facetiming for hours on end, talking to each other friends and family, venting about our dating lives, and getting close in a way that I honestly didn't think would be possible for me. And as soon as I saw him at the airport it was like the phone screen had never even been there, and we were simply friends seeing each other like we always had. I spent time in NYC, Long Beach, Los Angeles, NYC again, slowly but surely breaking myself out of my college life shell and realizing how much freedom and love I can experience with the right people in the right environment. Those five days I most recently spent in NYC with Katie and our friend Arabella were truly so special to me in ways I don't even think writing can describe. And through all of this one of the most consistent thoughts I had had was wondering how and why it took me so long to find these feelings; to realize that the things that make me feel bad are avoidable, and the things that make me feel good are no further than the other side of my apartment, if not one phone call away. 

Something I've struggled with since my middle school days is living my life for me. In many ways, I find it beautiful how close and connected I get to the friends that mean the most to me, and for those people I am and always will be grateful. But it gets to a certain point where I feel as though I miss out on the things I had set my mind on. A good way to explain it is growing up, I would often run errands with my friends or parents. They would need to go to Stauffers, or Cosmoprof, or the bank, and they'd ask me to go along, and I would agree, of course, but offer that maybe we could run to Target or at least get coffee or something on the way. Not like I wouldn't have gone regardless, but just so to give me a little something to be excited for, or, as I didn't have a license, cross off some boxes I needed to be crossed as well. We'd go and jump from Lititz to Millersville to Downtown Lancaster, and by the time we got all of the necessities they needed, on more than a few occasions they'd forget or feel too exhausted to stop at one last place, typically being the place I had asked to stop by. Obviously a first-world problem, and just a minor example of a less minor subject I'm attempting to poorly explain, but it wasn't like I was driving or paying for gas so I always felt bad reminding them or complaining, so by the end of the day we had done everything they needed, and I returned home empty-handed. It's that feeling; of having to wait in line at the bank but being unwilling to take the drive-through at Dunkin; of moving to Arizona with my best friend despite never planning on going to college period, let alone one in AZ; of hanging out with people on their time, but the plans I attempt to make being ditched out on; of sacrificing my wants because it doesn't align with theirs, but rarely getting that energy in return. It took meeting Josh and Daniel, going to LA and NYC, experiencing decisions and life through choices I made for myself because I wanted to, and living with two of my best friends, to allow me to reflect positively on the fact that all of these things that turn me into a crybaby on my blog, are things I can actually resolve. 

I am not a pushover, nor am I a doormat. I'm not victimized by everyone in the world as if they're all out to get me and all I do is selflessly give to others. However, there are times when giving in the way I do does feel one sided. Something my Mom has drilled into my brain even more than her unwavering faith in the Golden Rule is the line "Don't expect yourself out of others". I am willing to make such sacrifices of my desires to match others because I know that's what I would like to experience from them at some point, but I can't be upset or feel as though they're not caring for me in the way I care for them simply because they go about it in other ways. I've recently been dealing with these thoughts through the context of my past, and the desire to hold onto a time when that energy felt more mutual, stuffing down how it feels now for the sake of keeping those memories as pristine as they can be. But in the last year, experiencing the love and places I think I needed to experience, its allowed my perspective to shift in a somewhat positive direction. Feeling badly about something now, in fact, does not scrutinize the feelings that existed previously, and I am fully capable of expressing those things without damaging what once was. One of my closest friends from elementary school has simply dropped off the face of the Earth. Years were spent feeling shitty, wondering why a friend I felt so close to felt so comfortable ghosting out on plans he had agreed to, why he was so confident in forgetting the closeness we shared when I know I never would. And in the past week, it struck me that, I also can. Those memories of our friendship served me more than enough at the time, and no matter what our relationship is now, I still have the ability to look back and think about those moments in a positive light - but that doesn't mean I have to accept the nothingness our relationship has become now. The same can be said for everyone. Something many people have described me with is the word "stubborn". Though not exclusively a negative trait and not a description I disagree with, I have found myself often discarding things that don't fit my ideal principles and morals simply because once they make me feel bad, I'm not going to look past that. For some reason, however, that energy is lost on anyone I feel I have already committed enough energy to, as though that energy and the memories we share would be wasted if I were to express that I am no longer feeling good about what the relationship has become.

I'm learning that, though reflection can be a positive thing, it does not need to be the defining factor of my relationships. I'm allowed to express what I like and what I don't, without it feeling like I'm overstepping into friendship-ruining territory. I'm learning that I'm allowed to put my guard back up, just as well as I've learned I'm allowed to let my guard down for those who put in the energy to prove that there is no malicious intent found. I love the people I've found myself surrounded by, more than I typically express to them, but that doesn't mean I can't be made to feel bad about the same friendships. I can stick up for myself, and I can go radio silent, and I can express discomfort because I know everyone else does with me. Because what is the purpose of reflecting on my past if I can't learn from my previous silence and find that if I had vocalized sooner, the situation may have ended up much differently? Because that's what friendship is. Because that's what closeness feels like. Because that's how normal people act.