8/13/22

Hi! I hope everyone had an amazing week, I know I did at first so maybe we can all relate to having high hopes for healing ourselves before realizing everything sucks and there's nothing we can do about it to make it better. 

So, lets just move through the week and talk about the things that are upsetting us, cause I know I need to. So last Sunday I went up to Philadelphia to celebrate my step moms birthday at some Harry Potter themed exhibit at one of the museums in downtown (I honestly cant remember which museum it was, but it was a big one so.  But overall that was pretty fun, however I'm finding it is really hard to enjoy myself entirely doing things like that with family. A big reason for that is a theme I've consistently found myself coming back to throughout this Summer; wasted memories. I've realized as I've begun experiencing more in my daily life that, even though I'm doing things I want to do, I cant help but feel as though I could have enjoyed it more if I got to do it with someone I actually want more significant memories with. Now there is definitely a part of me that feels as though I'm ungrateful for that line of thinking, and I should just enjoy myself when I do things I do actually enjoy, but I also think that's very real. When were in high school, we don't always want to be doing things with our family, we don't need to eat at the dinner table every day, we want to be able to have our OWN social life beyond our siblings and parents. And I think this way of thinking is somewhat similar. For starters, as I've talked about before, I didn't have much of a social life in high school, so just on that surface level of wanting to do things for myself I'm already further behind than most, but there are two other key perspectives I want to highlight. One of which is that my family has never really been one in which I have formulated happy memories with for many years. A lot of events with any number of family members usually involves some kind of drama, sometimes a fight, and I always dislike almost every second of it. Its not an environment I want to be apart of both personally and mentally, it just doesn't feel healthy. This has been a huge contributing factor to my own perspective of what my family is. I've never really felt that attached to most of the people I'm blood related to, and likewise I'm sure most of them would say the same. The difference is they pretend that that isn't the case. They still hold onto that idea of 'family' and how important it really is. So they go about their lives slightly more miserable than I choose to, solely because they cant admit to themselves that the family they put so much weight on to have a good relationship with really has no fruit to bare. And I'm not, in any way, saying I'm better than them for not participating, and I'm almost 100% sure when I hit 30, maybe even younger than that, my perspective is going to shift, and I'm going to long for those evenings doing nothing spent with the family members I would rather drive a fork into my eye now, than force another meaningless conversation with. But for right now I see no point in trying to maintain that relationship. For almost 20 years now there hasn't been a lot of meaningful advancements in most of my familiar connections, and regardless of how much I love them, this period of time I think is for me, and what I really want is to be able to explore my options. Create those connections I've been crying for for the past 19 years and formulate strong, important bonds with those people, and be able to figure out what exactly it is I need in my relationships. All this to say, that was Sunday. In all honesty I can still have fun with my family, I just still have that nagging voice telling me how much more fun I could be having if I was with people I knew actually knew me. Monday was my moms birthday, so I came home Sunday night. However this was the start of a spiral, prompted by having to share a room with just my stepbrother, encouraged by a decently bad panic attack Sunday morning, and then my sister ate the cupcakes I made for my mom after we had finished dinner. Now, I want you to think about everything I just said about family. How I really don't have much interest in trying to have great relationships with my family members when we really don't have much of a relationship to have? Now picture that family being hick, sloppy, trump supporting, virgin ass looking weirdos, plus my mom and sister. Got the image? Good. Now imagine I do something nice, like make cupcakes, in order to have a nice, family sit-down, moments after dinner, where we can celebrate my mother and all just sit and talk like we used to when I was little. But instead of doing that, my sister gets home from work, helps herself to not one, not two, but three of my mothers birthday cupcakes, including the special one I made for my mom, and then when I finally get everyone to sit down together to eat them, she doesn't even join us. THIS is a very good example of why I don't feel that bad for not wanting to continue forcing connections with these people. Everyone doesn't like Christian because Christian isn't always the nicest person to be around. But then Christian does nice things for other people and the universe fucks Christian in the ass and proves the point that Christian would be better off if he didn't try so hard. 

Anyways this is my last blog post from Pennsylvania and I'm not thrilled about it. Not because I don't want to go home, quite the contrary, but Thursday was my last day to spend in my home town, before leaving, pretty much forever as my dad and step mom are renting the house out to someone else. So at around 5pm, I decide to go on one last skate, really nostalgic feeling and wanting to give my 17 year old self one last moment of piece but I pack him up and put it in my storage unit with all my other memories. What I  failed to consider was that I was going out at rush house. So immediately, my stress level is through the roof trying not to get in anyone's way or be that skate that's completely unaware of their surrounds. But, for anyone who's never been on anything other than a bike on the road, cars are fucking mean as fuck. They will drive as fucking close as they possibly can to you without actually making contact just to be as petty as possibly for me literally taking up 6 inches of road space. One of said meanys drove extremely close to me, making me swerve cause it scared the fuck out of me, and wipe out. Not bad just a little scratch on my hand, but definitely embarrassing. But I continue on cause fuck them I'm not letting it ruin my trip down memory lane. I'm not 100% sure what it was, but a good 20 minutes in and I'm on the verge of passing out. This has happened a few times before, whether at the gym or extensive cardio, but usually not this early on, so I push a little further and sit down for a sec. I continue pushing, taking a break, pushing, taking a break, for another 40 minutes before giving up, but at this point I'm pretty sad that my last skate was ruined cause my body cant just work. Later that day my dad, step mom, and I got into another argument, this time it was actually pretty fucked up and I haven't told anyone about it, but long story short I'm really glad I get to leave in three days. The real takeaway however, was that my last night spent in the house I grew up in, which I told y'all I was very sentimental about last week, was spent completely numb, crying, and dreading in which -surprise- I got my wisdom teeth out. I don't know who the fuck is lying in those videos, but I was not loopy, I was not goofy, I was not funny, yesterday (Friday) was literally spent crying in my room all. Day. Long. I got no sleep, no rest, no fun happy times, nothing felt good and I was fucking miserable, all day long. I will say today feels a lot better so yay, but my face is still pretty swollen and I cant really eat anything so I'm not having a grand time. I also cant fucking smoke. So you can imagine how thrilled I was about that news. 

My last tidbit before the conclusion cause I really don't have a lot to talk about today, is Arizona!!! So, today is Saturday the 13th, I leave the 16th. Lemme breakdown the whole shizz for you. So today I go hangout with my bestfriend, his boyfriend, and our friend, and most likely wont see him again unless we make plans for Monday but at this point I kind of doubt it. Then Sunday my mom has off so were going to go get breakfast or something I'm not sure yet, but I do know I need to dye my hair, lashes, and eyebrows before Monday cause I need to make sure I look good when I arrive and see all the sluts who tried to fuck me over last semester and really push into the ground that I'm not fucking around with myself this time. The real drama comes on Monday/Tuesday. So my flight is at 6;30am. We live a good hour and a half maybe two house from the airport. Now, my dad and stepmom decided to also start moving to AZ the same day, so they aren't driving to the airport, they decided to get a hotel the night prior, and leave for the airport Tuesday morning via uber from the hotel. I am doing no such thing. Monday is my last day in PA. My last day with my mom, my last day with my cats, my last day to see my friend, the last day to sleep in my bed and say goodbye to everything and everyone. So my mom is driving me up at 3am Tuesday morning and I'm meeting my dad and stepmom at the airport. Now I'm sure everything will be fine but that's like a major factor in how stressed I am. Then there's so much shit going on literally as soon as I land I might actually explode. My step moms car is in AZ, but it has all the stuff I left in the storage unit there in the car, so there's no room for the stuff were traveling with. Why the fuck she didn't just leave it in the storage unit and get it later I have no fucking idea we all know she's kind of dumb but whateverrrrr. So were dropping our flight stuff off at the hotel she's had since coming home?? and then driving to run errands until 12:30 when I can move into my apartment, at which point my friend is going to help me get my stuff from point A to point B. That's pretty much it. And honestly might just leave this post at that cause I don't have anything else I'm wanting to talk about and last time I talked just to talk we all hated it so. 

Yeah that's it. I love you all very much I hope you enjoyed todays post, I don't think I did but I also didn't hate it as much as the one that shall not be named so Ill leave it for now. Anyways I cant wait to update you when I'm in ARIZONA! I hope everyone has an amazing week and anyone who's moving to college I hope it goes smoothly. Ok. Love you, wash your hands, sleep well.

~ Christian Reid