6/26/2022

Boy oh boy have I hit a slump.

I believe I've spoken about going to college in Arizona in a previous entry, and that I currently live in Pennsylvania (where I'm unfortunately from) for the summer. If I haven't I feel like that sentence probably caught you up. Anyways it is currently June 26th, 2022, and I have a month and a half, 7 weeks, 52 days, until I get on a plane and finally fly home. As I talked about before, I was working, and my plan was to work all through summer in order to save up money for the upcoming semester. Well. When I first got home I interviewed at the gym I go to, who decided to turn me down for the first TWO positions I applied for and only talked to me about working as a childcare person, watching children, organizing arts and crafts, stuff like that. I wanted to either be gym or pool monitor, allowing me to juggle work with working on my appearance i.e. tanning by the pool or working out every day. Whatever I accepted the position, I was fine with kids regardless of how much I really don't like them, and they sent me the paper work to fill out. Long story short the background checks they wanted me to pay for myself costed about two or three days of shifts, which I deemed not worth it. Thus began my journey and eventual downfall. I worked at H&M, went through the full process again, but the people who worked there were so fucking draining to be around, and I personally believe, yes working sucks, nobody wants to work eight hour shifts everyday, but people make it significantly more miserable for themselves by being miserable at work all the time. Like this is retail, at H&M, we really did not have to be taking it SO seriously. And on top of that my first week was 47 hours, two of which started at 7am. Now I know realistically if I was actually on my own, needing money to pay rent right now, I probably wouldn't have been so quick to hate it, but I have a job lined up for when I go back to school, and working sucks enough as is without the environment I'm working in making me want to kill myself. So I quit, after two days, and they were incredibly rude to me when I told them which only reinforced that this was the right choice. I also just HATE H&M as a company, as a clothing brand, everything about it. After that I had two interviews at two different Starbucks. Neither of them hired me. Whatever that's fine I don't take it personally I don't really have nay previous experience being a barista, I understand. But no its half way through June and I still don't have a job. So I after those weeks and weeks of turning in application, multiple applications, for days on end, I stopped. I figured I'm living at home, its not like I have any expenses right now, I have a lot in my savings, and I have a job for when I get back anyways, it'll be fine. I did not, however, think about what the fuck I would be doing all day for the next two months. The answer is absolutely fucking nothing. Basically I came back to PA to be with my family, and I've spent 90% of the summer by myself. Living alone. Rotting away. So my question before I move on to the next topic is how are people OK doing this? I see so many people in my life, unemployed, don't really go anywhere, just sit in there room, chilling, all day everyday. I'm going crazy. I'm loosing my mind. I do as much as I can, literally anything within reach of reasonable action I do, pretty much every day. I wake up early, sometimes Ill walk to get coffee sometimes Ill make it myself. I play video games. I watch TV. I read. I've been reading a lot which I will be getting into momentarily. I workout, I go for walks, I skate, I draw, I play music, I sew, I research, I write, I smoke, I scroll on my phone, I make dinner. It all feels empty. Like in my mind I know that the only reason I'm doing any of these things isn't because I want to, its so that I don't literally sit and do nothing all day everyday all the time forever. I'm a Capricorn, I physically cannot do nothing, but doing things doesn't make me feel good anymore.

Ok first real topic of discussion; Roe v Wade. I know what society needs is another cis white male to give his two cents on abortion so you're so welcome for this. The first thing Ill say is what is genuinely so mind boggling about this whole thing is how actually bazar the idea that the well being of every women and uterus carrying person in this country was decided by nine, old, decrepit, decaying mother fuckers who have never once known what love feels like. I genuinely cannot wrap my brain around it. I and everyone else my age grew up hearing that they were the future of the world the future politicians, the future presidents, the future of everything. So genuinely why are people who grew up when the only form of currency was neat shells they found scavenging the shores of 1700s New Hampshire still the ones deciding our future. I also would like to actually understand like someone explain to me why its so fucking important. Why does abortion get people so hot an bothered that they need to shit on the constitution they so aggressively  defend every other day of the year. I saw someone say that their reason of logic for it was that abortion wasn't ever explicitly discussed in the 14 amendment, so its technically not 'unconstitutional' to go back on HUMAN RIGHTS! Human rights that people have been supposed to have for the past 50 years, that are now in threat because YOU think the imaginary bearded twink in the sky said its wrong? How as a country are we literally regressing? How do people constantly fight to be seen as human beings and these old crypt keepers get to decide they actually shouldn't have any. I cannot wrap my brain around it. It ruined my day yesterday and honestly is probably still contributing to why I feel so shitty today. Im not going to discuss the marriage stuff cause its still in the air and I don't want to overreact, I think our main focus, for now, should be fighting for people affected by Roe V Wade, which is pretty much everyone, but especially people who could be forced to carry fetuses they don't want. Look for protests to join, I know I am, donate if you can, speak out whenever possible. If you aren't in a trigger state and even if you are make sure your voice is being heard. It being in the states hands mean we still have a chance to win over some states that haven't already made up their minds. Support your friends, your family, your neighbors, anyone, share resources. My info is on my page if anyone needs help finding things, wants more information (not that Im the most credible or best option) or just someone to talk to Im 100% available all the time. <3

None-smooth transition, I finished Find Me which was meh, but I really do love Andre Aciman's writing so it was enjoyable to read regardless and I love Elio so I wont actually complain. But I needed a new book to read, I was thinking about re-reading Lolita but my mental well being cant take that right now so I was looking up books with similar aesthetics cause the vibe of a book is really what keeps me interested. Anyways I found three that I was really interested in reading, A Certain Hunger by Chelsea G. Summers which has a woman kill a man in it so that sounded interesting, The Woman Destroyed by Simone De Beauvoir which popped up in the related section when I was looking at a Lana Del Rey vinyl, neither of which I ended up getting. But I decided on the third one I saw which is My Year Of Rest and Relaxation my Ottesa Moshfegh. I honestly don't know a lot about it Ive only just started it literally today, but the first few sections are very relevant to my life right now, including an extremely depressed woman pretty much locking herself away from the world, hopped up on different medications and rotting away in her house. The first few pages mention Girl Interrupted and thats very much the energy Im getting from it so Im excited to see what happens, but I try to know as little about a book as possible before I read it so I guess Ill keep you updated.

I honestly think Ive covered pretty much everything I really want to talk about, you can tell how down Ive been cause I haven't really been paying  much attention to fashion stuff, but I went thrifting a little bit ago and I found some really good pieces for myself which I posted about on tiktok if you want to see them. I also saw a post on Gastt fashion today, a designer named Loewe who I honestly haven't heard much about released their Spring/Summer 2023 collection and its all very earth inspired. A lot of what it is is pastels and earthy tones, a lot of coats and patterned leggings, but the really interesting pieces were shoes and jackets they made with actual grass and moss and stuff like, sticking out of the piece. Im not sure if its fake or not or if its one of those things where its not really meant to be worn but more looked at, but regardless I loved it so definitely check that out they have videos on Instagram that ill tag in my references page.

Anyways I do think thats all, Im sorry I didn't really say much of value today but its my blog so shut up. I love you, I think you're sexy (unless you're underage). I hope everyone has an amazing minute, hour, day, week, month, and summer. I hope you're wearing sunscreen and taking care of yourself to the best of your ability and I hope you give yourself the grace and kindness you deserve. Im sorry your rights are being taken away but lets be honest most of us never really had much to begin with. Also I bleached my eyebrows.