8/13/2023

Hes back!

Due to recent events taking up more of my free time than I previously had, I've noticeably taken a bit of a step back from my self-disciplined writing and podcasting. And because of this, I feel like we have a lot to catch up on. As I write this, it is four days before my Junior year of college starts, I've just started my new job, one I plan on keeping, I've renewed my lease with my friends to keep my apartment for another year, and things are feeling okay. I want to take the opportunity while I have it, that being enough time to make this post, to talk about life with you, because as my blog uploads have declined, and more "academic" writing has taken its place, I feel like we've fallen out of touch. 

I'm not entirely certain when my last blog post was, the website says sometime in June, so there may be some overlap of things you already know, but that's nothing new. However, before we get into the fun, life-spilling stuff, I want to talk about the future of the website and what I plan on doing moving forward. As much as I love doing this, and plan on continuing, I did originally start this because I was unemployed last Summer and wanted to keep my brain working around the same subjects so as to not fall out of practice. And while I did manage to keep somewhat on schedule last school year, managing work and school and still doing this, things are becoming more serious and most likely more time-consuming. That being said, I plan on not having a plan. Moving forward I will most likely not be following a week-by-week posting schedule, though that's not out of the question (I will still be trying to write at least once a week) and will be aiming to post when I feel the inspiration bug bite me. I've stopped doing the podcasts recently, for no particular reason, but it doesn't really bother me that I haven't posted a podcast in a few weeks, so I'm taking that as a sign for myself that I don't really need to. The plan of action moving forward, in order to keep me on task and making things I actually want shared, from now on I will be writing or recording when I actually have something to say. I've expressed on the podcast a few times how difficult it is to just talk for an hour straight, and I've noticed the same thing with my writing, it makes it feel more like a chore than something I actually enjoy doing when I force myself to post when I dont really have anything to say. So, expect more blog posts than there have been this Summer, fewer podcasts, and probably the same amount of articles and essays as I plan on using some of my writing from class as posts on the website. 

The reason I stopped doing podcasts for a bit does actually have a cause beyond me not wanting to. A month ago exactly, I came home from my visit home and just felt kind of off. Going back home home is never a normal feeling, but returning is almost worse because you have to just immediately resume your life as you left it, resulting in a very disorienting feeling of I was home doing what I always do and then I went home and did what I also did there and that felt strange because I don't do that anymore and then I come HOME and have to go back to work, and make myself dinner, and pay rent, so on and so forth. It all ties into what I've talked about before with your early 20s, an adult but not really but expected to be but only sometimes. It's all very normal and feels very strange, and with a brain like my own, it throws me off for a very long time in a way that I can only summarize as mania. About two weeks after I returned, I began sending in applications for new jobs, as I wanted something that gave a little more than the student position I had been holding for a year at that point. Within the day, I heard back from one of the jobs, one I was actually really excited about, so I agreed to an interview the following day. After my interview, I was fairly certain I didn't get the job, as the interviewers, and owners of the business, didn't seem all that excited by what I could potentially bring to the table. For context, this was a family-owned business that had not yet hit its one-month anniversary of being open, and the stress of being the first non-family member to be hired hit me very quickly. Regardless, that same day, I received a call that I got the job, and they wanted me to start that Saturday. Immediately my anxiety hit the roof, as I was not planning on getting, nor starting, a new job this soon, nor was I exactly wanted to. I expressed during the interview that, in an attempt to make myself seem like a good hire, if they really needed me to start now I could juggle both jobs, but was more interested in working my two weeks and then starting afterward. So I worked my nine hours at one job, went home, and in about 15 hours got up and left for the new job. In no way shape or form was this job not what I expected, bad, or unenjoyable, had it been in a different part of my life I would most likely still be working there, but almost immediately I felt it was not the place for me. Regardless of the fact that everyone knew each other as a family, it was just a strange environment. It was a painting studio, I was a painting instructor, and I figured it would be a fun, easy, lighthearted environment filled with people who enjoy art. What I got was a room full of entrepreneurs who could not give two shits about art but did care very passionately about running a successful business. Nothing wrong with that, just a very different vibe in the workplace than I was anticipating. It was not happy, it was very serious, and it's a painting studio so I couldn't wear anything I wanted, it was a 10-minute drive meaning I was Ubering or taking public transportation, which in Phoenix is like wearing a shirt that says "PLEASE DO CRACK DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME" (Phoenix is not like New York, everyone is doing hardcore drugs, but unlike NYC, everyone notices and comments about it and makes it very uncomfortable for me, who would be more than happy to watch the man light up as long as he's not bothering me), which was more of a hassle than I thought it would be. Mind you, I'm also still working my old job, resulting in about 50 hours of work a week, making just over minimum wage if not minimum wage. It just wasn't worth it. So after quitting both my old and new job, I resumed the search and applied for a restaurant job within walking distance from my apartment, which I'm now two shifts into and actually enjoying.

Meanwhile, my balls hurt. I'm about to talk about my testicles on the Internet. While all of that was going on, I began experiencing minor discomfort in my hangers, the kind of discomfort not torturing me, but enough to send some panic signals to my brain telling me this is not normal, in fact, I stressed myself out so much I threw up, though contrary to what I thought at the time, it was just my anxiety and had nothing to do with my bawls. The following week resulted in three hospital visits, two ball gropings, a lot of Q&A with my nursing friends, and, as my excuse, I used the pain to justify my resignation from the painting studio. Originally, I thought it was an STI, the most common cause for something like this, most likely gonorrhea and chlamydia, which felt extra likely as, during the mania of my brain adjusting to AZ to PA to AZ, I slept with someone I definitely did not intend to and felt that was the most likely cause. One hospital visit, a Q-Tip up the ass, and a ball-fondle later, I do not have any STIs, so the panic grows stronger. For those who don't know, testicular pain is not uncommon, but without literally any other symptoms, nobody really knew what was going on. The main causes for something like this are STIs -don't have one-, Kidney stones, Testicular Torsion, or Cancer. We ruled or torsion pretty fast, as after a day I wouldn't have been able to walk to the hospital, and kidney stones, because I just didn't have them, so my thoughts immediately (even before any testing) were cancer. My anxiety over those few weeks was so high you probably could've seen it in an X-Ray, though it didn't show up in the ball-trasound I had to get so what do I know? Regardless we pushed through, I'm definitely still experiencing it, but after ultrasounds and invasive testing all told me there weren't any red flags, I've settled for ignoring the whole thing. 

Now it's Saturday, August 12th, 2023 at 8:19 PM I've worked the past few days after having off for about a week, and school starts very soon. I've chosen to not think about the reality of school quite yet, and have focused my attention on the excitement of Fall starting soon. 

I'm done. I'll be back in a week. I've said all I needed to say. I love you all very much thank you for reading, I'm happy to be back.

MMMMMMMMWAHHH

~Christian Reid