1/6/25

When any amount of people spend enough time together, they're bound to form a relationship of some sort. I spent years in high school surrounded by people I would have never spoken to in a more heavily populated setting, but given four years and prolonged hours of somewhat forced leading eventually to voluntary interaction, they remain people I think of fondly. On the contrary, I spent a significant amount of time with people I thought of with zero fondness at all - however, that too can be considered a relationship, even if it is one based on more negative emotions. After my last winter break for the rest of my life, I spent a lot of time considering relationships as a broad term. Relationships can mean love, both physical and not, they can mean hate, they can be familial, friendly, relationships in passing. I have a relationship with the barista whose Instagram I found after interacting with him twice, he does not have one with me. I have a relationship with the man who never wanted one with me to begin with, despite what he said the entire time it was forming. I have a relationship with Lime flavored La Croix, I have a relationship with my roommates who I see everyday and I have a relationship with my sister. But each of these exist on very different wavelengths, in regard to the feelings and emotions they evoke, the context of the relationship itself, and the history imbedded within it. Beyond considering relationships as a whole, I, more specifically spent a good amount of time considering how I go about interacting with them, and what experiences are required to form all the different kinds we find ourselves in throughout the entirety of our lives. 

My friend Jack and I have known each other since we were six years old, growing up together in an environment that maybe played a role in our closeness. With little other options, we had to make friends with who was around us if we wanted a positive experience, however, until recently, I was confident that we would've found and befriended each other in almost any context. Like most relationships require, we spent most of our childhood together; sleepovers, classes, playdates. We had bad experiences with the same people, befriended the same people, along with the woman - Maisy -  who continues to be placed on the pedestal of what I consider one of the healthiest relationships two people can maintain for 16 years, the three of us were inseparable both in school and out. They were my people before I even understood the significance of the phrase. In 6th grade, Maisy left our school for a homeschooled lifestyle, leaving Jack and I two parts of a three part friendship to fend for ourselves. The year after, Jack did the same. With no phone, obviously no car, and about a 40 minute drive from either of their houses, we continued to somehow maintain a special kind of relationship that no amount of closeness with others could change. Unlike children of a similar age who would replace fondness for one with a fondness for another, it was a different kind of bond, something that could only be created by seeing one another age from toddlers to preteens to teenagers to adults, either alongside each other or from a distance. No matter the distance, or time it had been since the last time we saw each other, much less spoke, we stayed in each others lives well until adulthood, with little to nothing changing the people we were to one another, picking up where we left off with ease as only those who truly love each other can do. Until the Summer of 2023, I saw him once, maybe twice, a year after he had left our middle school, and every time, it was as if we continued growing with each other and there had been no separation of lives at all. But that Summer, he didn't respond to my calls asking when he would be free to see him. That winter he never wished me a happy birthday as he had every year prior. A year later, I sent him one last attempt before things went truly sour in what had been one of my most fond friendships of my entire life. Essentially begging him to break the radio silence, I explained to him how irregular it was to toss aside a friendship like that, that unless something had happened to require such a harsh turn on not only me, but Maisy as well, there was no reason for him not to at least respond, let alone explain the situation. He, much like myself, had always been bad at the correct utilization of a cell phone, often 'ghosting' or taking more than the reasonable amount of time to see a text. But a year of absolutely nothing was more the the significance his friendship meant to me could bare to ignore. I couldn't understand if our friendship was what many of the others from that school had turned out to be; a friendship bred of convenience and access, and I had simply become too inconvenient and inaccessible to seem worth the effort. 

There is a poem I read too long ago to recall the name, direct quote, nor author of it. However, its stuck in my mind through the years as a beacon of an ideological mindset for the masses to agree on. Paraphrasing, it essentially described that when one truly loves someone, or even simply cares for them at all, what is to happen of that love when the relationship shared with them changes irrevocably? Though I wont pretend to be the best at relaying such feelings to those I'm not necessarily the closest to anymore, I've always felt that that feeling is what causes such emotional reactions to a change in the context of a relationship. It doesn't need to be that I miss them, want them back in my life, or even regard them with any amount of positivity, but simply that I no longer know what to do with the intensity at which I felt love and care for someone or something when they're no longer there to receive it. This is why hate is just as much of a relationship as one formed around love, as these misplaced emotions tumbling around inside us boil over into the opposing viewpoint, turning a relationship based on adoration to one based on disdain - because that is the most logical conclusion to draw. Romantic relationships especially orbit this problem, most concluding in anger, sadness, or joy, but leaving the emotional impact of what the relationship was even years after it's passing. Great emotions correlate to any kind of relationship, great or otherwise.

Familiar relationships are a whole different breed than anything else. Unlike friendships, romantic partners, or the people we wave hello to though we can no longer recall their first name, family has relationship built in. You can dislike a family member, but in most cases, you can't not love them. My family is a particularly unique case. Somehow, despite living in one area for our entire lives, that being rural Pennsylvania, and maintaining consistency in our relationships for the most part, we are each such drastically different people from one another. However their are two distinct ways my sister and I especially are impacted by such a difference. My moms side feel like a family. They share thoughts and feelings, connect based on more than a familial love for one another, not solely on blood relation. My mother sister and I have been through a significant amount of stress, and likewise, happiness that has allowed us to feel like more than just a mother and her two children, but rather three people who actually enjoy each others company. This love has curated a relationship that feels earned, based on knowing our closeness is more than blood, but a choice made between us. My fathers side is much more secretive in the way they share love. They emphasize the significance of seeing each other frequently, we attend each others events and have spent more than our fair share of time surrounded by one another. However, where a mothers love is already unconditional, much less for my mother who both loves my sister and I like one, but also happens to like who we are as people, my fathers side is more questionable. It is clear when we don't know how to respond to the last thing someone else has said, our lives don't connect as easily. We equally have been through the stresses and joys a normal family does, and much more, but I especially have always felt a sort of wall between myself and most of them that, from an observers perspective, doesn't seem to be between the rest of them. My father and I in particular have an odd way of managing our relationship. While it is formed on love first and foremost, the context of our relationship shifted drastically within my childhood and teen years. Where the love still existed, the "like" slowly dispersed, and I became more like someone, in his mind, that he went into legal action to separate from. And in the mind of an emotionally and chemically  imbalanced teenager, I could feel this distance forming. Our relationship went from a father and his son, to a father and a son, who similarities, though apparent in genetics, seemed to stop there. 

Relationships in childhood and relationships in adulthood are entirely different concepts. Friends formed out of geographical location and frequency of appearance change to likeminded individuals who you may see once or twice a month. Families formed on familiarity and dependence changes to one of object distance. A group of 20 strong relationships dwindle to that consisting of four or five amazing one. In my time spent at home, which typically calls for a significant amount of reflection and self accounting, I thought a lot about how my relationships have changed, and how the best of them that continue to remain will change as the years go on, the distance between us grows, and the context of the relationship itself shifts from current to past. Though the relationships themselves may change as time goes on, the feelings wont. And that is the most significant element of letting someone into your life, regardless of how deep. Once they're there, they're there.