8/12/24

"You're never afraid to be you", is a phrase I have heard more times than I care to count. It's an attractive sentiment and one that, despite the physical insecurity constantly festering under my skin regardless of the confidence I achieve in my life, is equally strange to come across. Feigned confidence is something that rarely tricks people unless the person doing it isn't even aware of it, and that is exactly the situation I repeatedly find myself in. My perception of myself is never one that I find outstandingly unique, or to the same degree, special in most ways. Though I won't pretend to be similar to the majority of white 21-year-old men living in Arizona, I would also argue that in many cases, the second you step out of the grid line of "normalcy", you get grouped in with everyone who has done the same, and in the current climate of styles and expressions, my expression is pretty mild in comparison. I've discussed extensively the rapidly accelerated use of labels within the past few years, of which I have no real gripes. However, it seems that with the growing era of self-acceptance comes an equally quick label placed upon you. Both in ways of physical representation, as well as personality archetypes, everyone seems to be a part of a larger collective mass of individuals, especially as such societal constraints continue to grow more niche and specified concerning who a person is based on very little aside from their appearance. 

Communities of people have always existed, and for good reason. In places like schools in which students are continuing to become more of themselves by the day, it is for obvious reasons that a majority of them stick to cliques of others with like-minded senses of individuality. More pressing than the jocks and basketcases of high school, however, are the "cliques" outside of such constraints. TikTok has certainly played a massive role in the pace at which these terms spread into the cosmos before eventually reaching everyone's ear at some point. Still, I disagree that the blame for the issue I wish to address is solely placed on social media. In my mind, I think of it as almost a defense mechanism, as if identifying individuals and placing them in your mind with others who behave and look similar will further assist in avoiding and/or accepting specific kinds of people. I've dated my fair share of businessmen to know that they and I will often butt heads at some point, but it was never businessmen as a whole. Finance bros and crypto dudes and Elon Musk dick riders all exist as subsections of the same hierarching title, and in this way, I can avoid ever having to deal specifically with a finance bro whose only aspiration is a backup plan for bored stay-at-home Parents and Phil Dunphy. Not to excuse any quickly-judged harm I play a role in, I'm sure somewhere out there is a finance bro who is everything I want and more, but rather that there are certain contexts that make such snap judgments less harmful. Whereas I and others can say "I've tried this more than enough times to know it isn't something I want to further explore", others come to the same judgment with little other than solely the title in question to base their judgment on. 

Just like the nerds and cheerleading cliques in every 80s high school romcom, queer communities have existed alongside them long before anyone knew enough about it to pretend it was an issue, and in such communities come even more labels and groups that are more often told to us, rather than titles we ordain upon ourselves. In particular, feminine and twink-adjacent gentleman are often informed of their placement in the community long before they even realize that what they look like means anything deeper than stylistic decisions. While far from the only members to come into scrutiny for an aspect they have very little control over, feminine gay men have become somewhat of a poster boy for "those gay people". I would venture to say that femininity in men is what causes the most negative reaction from the general masses, i.e., conservatives, but what's more, within the Queer community as well. Because femininity can garner such a dramatic reaction as we have seen with drag queens, cross-dressers, and separately but similarly within the trans space, it creates tension, and for a lot of queer men, a desire to express separation from such negativity. On most fronts, I would argue that a lot of the hatred feminine men receive from other queer people is a symptom of internalized homophobia, obviously, but I believe it extends even further than that. In the same vein as the stereotype of a "pick me girl", and "nice guys", these queer men have an almost undying desire to appeal to an audience that most likely won't like them anyway.  But it causes these men to feel a need to go out of their way to, not only outwardly express that they're not "that kind of gay guy", but an almost disdain or disgust towards anyone who is. It is a common experience, especially on dating apps, that you will see "no fems" placed smack dab in the middle of someone's bio, right in between the equally problematic "no fats, whites only" which often go hand in hand when you're that bad of a person. I will openly state that, as someone who is often perceived as a more femininely leaning man, I often tend to stick to more masculine archetypes in the men, and often women, I find myself attracted to. Having a type is never a bad thing, nor do I feel anyone should ever feign interest in a person they're genuinely not into just because they don't want to come off like a bad person. But the difference in that is that I'm not going out of my way to publicly denounce an entire group of people based on a singular, and arguably insignificant aspect of their representation. In most spaces, but especially queer ones, there should be an understanding that the surface of someone is just that; the surface. Humans possess such complex thought processes, most of the time, and thus while one may choose to present one way, one might appear to be a completely different person the more you get to know them, the more they talk, and the more you see, which is why such a sentiment aggravates me in more ways than just a personal offense to disinterest in feminine men. I do not want to date a finance bro, but if they cross off every other box, why wouldn't I? Who am I to insult and minimize a person, or furthermore, an entire community of people, to how they appear on first glance just because I don't like one thing about them that might not even scratch the surface of who they are as an individual?

We as humans possess the ability to read people based on small cues pretty well, and thus, despite what I just said, making such generalizations is not always an inherently negative trait.  One of the most translatable ways in which I think we actively choose to do this every day is our style; our representation. The clothes we wear, the haircut we sport, and the things we express interest in, are all things we make decisions to do to look the way we want, and as beautiful a thing as it is, with the existence of social media, we have begun picking up on the people with similar haircuts, and similar clothes, and similar styles. This is where the issue becomes an issue. An ongoing argument I continue to press in my writing is the complexity of individuality, especially in the context of the way people see us and how they correlate. Using the previous example, things like acrylics, long hair, makeup, and especially personal style are all repeatedly brought up as indicators of one's femininity, and likewise, the lack thereof indicates masculinity; for all genders. However, as such complex people, most of whom have internal dialogue and thoughts consistently racing through our brains, there is significantly more to look into in reality. From the surface level, I probably wouldn't be seen as someone whose top music last year was metal, nor would most assume at first glance that despite my undying determination to not sacrifice my being to appease a general audience, I do still care very much about the negative things said about my appearance. And it is that reason that surface-level observations really mean nothing at the end of the day. 

Being who you are is one of the most beaten down but equally important sentiments we have all heard throughout our entire lives - for the most part. This thought was struck when I, as I am prone to do, made a snap judgment of a man. I honestly can't even remember what the thought was regarding him, but he gave the vibe of a man who I would most likely dislike. My defense is that, usually, I'm correct. I'm sorry, but I will die on the hill that a majority of my judgments of people align with who they end up being, specifically and especially when regarding men's style. However, it struck a chord with me, both on what that says about me as someone who is often dismissed based on the principle of my presentation, but more so what it actually says about them; nothing. As much fun as it is to make fun of people, and I won't lie and say it isn't, it also calls for retrospection on why it is we do it, and what purpose it ends up serving in the long run. There are so many facets to a person, to what makes someone themselves, and their appearance is probably the smallest factor. It's important to recognize, especially for me, the difference between a snap judgment, and how you allow that to rule the rest of the interactions with said person. And for most people, on TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, and real life, I feel we've all gotten a little too comfortable sticking to our decisions of people prior to hearing or seeing anything else about them, resulting in what has now become a generation full of people who feel they are the only ones excusable of such activities, because at the end of the day if we're judging everyone else, its safe to assume everyone else is judging us in return.