7/2/22

I made it two years without minimal issues relating to the virus and now all of a sudden I get it. 

Granted I was being relatively smart about the whole thing, trying my best to stay in one area, seeing the same people, taking care of my health, so on and so fourth. But I've been exposed so many times and tested afterwards and never had it turned out positive. Now, nobody I know has it, I haven't done anything overly social, and nothing has changed about my health, but I on Tuesday I started feeling very nasal and congested in my throat so I thought to myself "I'd better test to be safe" and whatdya know??? I have covid. It doesn't affect me that negatively, I'm not celebrating the Fourth of July regardless, so I wont be missing out on anything, it just sucks. I almost never get sick beyond a common cold and some bad allergies, and I've started to feel actually 'sick' and I genuinely do not know how to handle it. In the long run I'm glad I finally got it cause I know I would've eventually so I'm grateful it wasn't once classes started or god forbid when I needed to fly home. But now I'm bummed cause this week I had actually been doing things and it felt really good, so now being forced back into sitting in my room all the time is a major downer.

Sunday for example, was a pretty good day. As I've talked about before I don't really feel happy, but sometimes I can make myself think I'm enjoying myself by doing things I wish I enjoyed doing. So I woke up Sunday morning and went for a little stroll. I stopped at the café near my house that I like and got a nice Chai and sat outside to read for while. I'm still reading the Ottessa Moshfegh book and, after also watching Girl Interrupted again, I believe its safe to say the character I tend to feel represented by aren't exactly good characters to like. I know in Lisa from Girl Interrupted's deal is different cause obviously most people are going to like a cigarette smoking, blonde, Angelina Jolie, but I really do sympathize with her character, as well as Winona Ryder's Susanna. But something about the way Lisa's character is portrayed, especially in her relationship to Susanna, feels so similar to how I and my friends have interacted with each other before its almost, almost concerning. But my main takeaway from that dark and illuminating picture was Lisa's coat. Throughout the film she sports a brown shearling coat that comes down to her knees, with the fur lining the collar, as well as accenting the silhouette with lines reaching from shoulder to hem. That fucking coat is most likely 99% of my infatuation with the character. I don't know how many people have seen them, they are pretty popular, but the coat has the same lining and color pallet as the Demonia Camel 113's, and all I can say is how badly I wish I was a woman, or significantly more confident cause I want to wear both of them, coat and shoes, for the rest of my life.

In relation to that, I've recently been into a 'darker' style and have been jotting down ideas for what I'm going to be able to make when I can use my colleges studio again and I'm so very excited. Were all unfortunately aware of the "y2k" pandemic that has taken over high end fashion retailers like Forever 21 and H&M, not that I'm saying y2k fashion is bad, I love the style when done correctly, but I'm specifically talking about the pink baby tees with glitter and butterflies. Anyways my point is there's a subgenre to the return of early 2000s fashion that I do really enjoy for myself. Also again not shaming anyone for their style but if you like "y2k" fashion, go thrifting. I promise you'll find so many better pieces just please for the love of god stop buying equestrian themed baby tees from urban outfitters you will not wear them in a year. Fuck stop distracting me. What I wanted to talk about isn't any better or worse than anything else style is subjective, I'm really into the resurgence of 90s-2010s washed up skater aesthetic like those PlayStation 2 adds, large punk lens glasses, studded belts, that whole fiasco, and I've been trying to find better pieces for it for the past like year and slowly I think I'm getting "somewhere". But this all ties together because this tiktoker I love (myspacemami) posted a fit video with those demonias and the gender envy that took over my body was an actual visceral experience. I love seeing trends take place outside of fast fashion that's why I shit so much on peoples style choices. Not because I don't like what you're wearing, not because I think I know better than you even though I do, its because what you're wearing is so unoriginal  and lacks creativity to the point where you end up dressed like the mannequins they keep in the store front. I'm not saying you don't know how to put an outfit together, or that your style is boring, quite the contrary. Fast fashion knows what's in style that's the whole point, by shopping there you're participating in the most up-to-date trends and that's cool, but there are so many more cool options if you spend the time to look for them. You can find pretty much the exact same options at any thrift, consignment, second hand, bargain outlet, but the key difference is you found those pieces. No longer will you go to class with three people wearing the same jeans as you, and I know regardless of how much we pretend it doesn't bother us, seeing someone own the same article of clothing you're wearing feels bad, how "drippy" can "the fit" really be if we wear the same shit.

I'm aware this was annoying, I'm aware we don't need another twink telling people where to spend their money or how to dress, but this is also my blog, and the point is to be so self involved and self entitled that I lose track of who cares about my opinion, cause lets be honest everyone should. But seriously the point of my blog is to share my opinions on things, especially fashion, so I know some of it is going to get snobby but if you're reading it you chose to and that's nobodies problem but yours.

I also say all this because my sister likes to think if I can make fun of her camo booty shorts for being ugly (I said this to her probably two years ago) then she can call me a faggot. This is an actual argument we've gotten into multiple times. Which brings me to what I really want to talk about today, and bare with me. I have no life right now I'm quarantining in my room with three beds and I'm on the bottom bunk if I'm not doing this I'm killing myself. Anyways. I would like to use my platform to shed some sensibility and mostly vent about my anger towards inept sub-humans. During 2020's lockdown, tiktok's influence on our young, fragile minds took full affect. Everyone was getting into arguments 24/7 about basic human rights amidst the Black Lives Matter protests made too many people think caring about black people was just a common trend. During this time I myself changed as a person. I cared very deeply for these kinds of movements and many others that took off around this summer when it felt like the people who did care about others were more unified than ever. However my main role during this was to argue with pretty much everyone I could. Whether it was Ahmed Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Donald Trump, AOC, Bernie Sanders, the MeToo movement, Black Lives Matter, Pride, xenophobia, climate change, indigenous lives, I was researching, writing, and arguing with anyone who had shit to say. And during this time I became quickly exhausted with how fucking dumb people can be, and not even just the conservatives, but people like me who weren't apart of most of these issues but wanted to feel good about the help they were doing, all of them were fucking stupid. And I think the only thing that kept me in good graces with everyone (except conservatives) was that I knew when to SHUT THE FUCK UP. I remember very vividly a time when "Kill All Men" was a phrase a lot of people were talking about on social media. I said, my friends said, people I respected said, but the thing that always baffled me was how quickly it pissed people off. "If the roles were reversed" type arguments, all the time. But what helped me through this terrible time that men were going through :(((( was knowing I was not the men they were talking about. My girlfriends didn't feel the need to specify "Oh were not talking about you" and I didn't feel the need to get defensive, because at the end of the day, 99% of people who make generalizations like that, whether it be to straight people, white people, men, cis people, etc know in their hearts that not every straight person is homophobic, not every white person is racist, not every man is misogynistic. Of course their are times when they did mean all straight, white, men, and during those times I kept my mouth shut. Because when, for example, a trans woman is complaining about how much cis people can suck, the last thing she would ever want is a cis man, regardless of whether or not he IS actually a good person, to tell the her not every cis man sucks. They just want to express their anger towards a group that has repeatedly made them feel uncomfortable, in whatever sense of the word. And that's ok. If you are part of a group that does damage to another, and you feel you're not contributing to that problem, then their complaints simply aren't about you, and it is ok to not clarify if they are or are not about you, because if you truly are in your heart a good person, who would not treat another person badly based on whatever difference they may have from you, then there is no reason for them to be angry with you, and you to feel offended by them. 

WHICH BRINGS me to my final point. The very important distinction that seemingly needs to be made. It is ok for certain people to say things that you may not say. In simply words, I am gay. I like penis and ass, as well as vagina and breasts, and have been treated as such a person by less welcoming communities. I have been called a faggot. I have been spit on by a passing four door white jeep. I have hated myself for something out of my control for yours. And now that I am in a point in my life where I really don't care about any of that, I say fag. I call myself it. My gay friends call me it. I call them it. Its a fun silly little game. A game you, as a straight person, may not participate in, because you, as a straight person, have not come to a point where you have come to terms with your sexuality after years of self and outside influential hatred towards the person you are. So, that being said, when I say "I hate straight people" it is in reference to the treatment I have been given by multiple straight people over the years, and it does not give you permission to say "I hate gay people" as you have always been welcomed for your sexuality in this world. The same can be said for pretty much any marginalized group, fed up with the treatment they receive at the hands of everyone else. See, in this world, more specifically this country, there is a mish-mash of different people, different genders, different ethnicities, different cultures who were raised to hate everything about their uniqueness as a direct result of everyone who had no such differences, and who's only form of belonging came from a magical man in the sky. So when a group who has suffered currently and historically at the hands of people with nothing better to do on Sundays, its ok for them to express their anger without invitation to;

Call them a slur.

Specify that they don't mean you (you're one of the 'good' ones, right?).

Express anger towards their community. Because what could you possibly have to say about a minority group that wasn't rooted in outright bigotry?

I'm glad we had this talk. Please understand I am in no sense the final say in any of these conversations, I'm just sharing my two cents on while we want to be treated equal, we have every right to be upset that we currently aren't. 

I really don't believe I know any better than anyone else, but I do believe I like talking about these things, especially when they concern me . I hope everyone has an amazing day, I know I probably wont. Check out my social media stuff, I haven't been posting as much cause I'm sick but I have ideas for things so once I'm like chill, and especially once I'm home, Ill be much more active. I love you, thank you for reading if you got this far in, I know I talked longer than I usually do or probably should, I'm sorry if I'm annoying. Do you hate me? You'd tell me if I was annoying you right? I just feel like I'm too much. I'm sorry. No its nothing you did I'm sorry. 

Bye Ily.