1/21/23

Sigh. This week went fast and, not going to lie, I don't think I'm prepared for how fast I know this semester is going to go. Regardless, we aren't going to discuss school today because I talked about it a lot last week. I'm very excited for the weather to get warmer, Spring is always such a happy time for me, knock on wood because I do wholeheartedly believe I am a solar-powered individual. Being in the sun, warm, wearing stuff I'm comfortable in, and doing what I want because, at the end of the day, doing active things when it's hot feels a lot easier than doing things when its cold. I will specify that the warmth I'm talking about is not the kind of warmth we experience in Arizona during the summer, but when it's in the 60s, 70s, or 80 degrees outside I thrive. 

I think for me, as is the case with most people in this part of the hemisphere, spring signifies a moment of renewal and makes me into the person I want to be. On a very physical note, I shaved my head, which yes I know I'm going to regret once I start feeling ready to have long hair. But I did it for the same mindset that makes me love spring. I think I'm someone who's constantly changing and adapting to the things around me in my everyday life, but recently I have felt admittedly stagnant. It's as though my brain and soul are aging and learning from my past experiences, but my personality isn't. No matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to quit nicotine or delete dating apps and let love find me instead of constantly seeking it out, my wants and desires for those things remain, and I feel like I'm two different people at this point. I said it to my mom during a very numb moment I was having, but so much of my self-worth, for myself, not from others, surround my vanity and whether or not I felt desirable. And though I know that isn't something that's ever going to go away, I've always attached my worth to the people around me and how I'm perceived, shaving my head is an extremely freeing step in that direction. From practically the start of my memories, I've been told I look better with long hair, and to an extent, I agree. I love my hair and I love being able to play with it and feel it grazing the back of my neck. And yes I do like my appearance with long hair. The issue is that my hair is very hard to manage, partly because of how damaged it always is by the time it gets long, but also because I have pretty straight hair. And unless I do it and pay attention to it and make sure it looks good, it looks bad. It's a constant reminder of how easy it is for me to teeter between feeling attractive and feeling ugly, and it's all the time. When I shave my head I can focus more on myself, and on things, I enjoy doing. I know it may seem insignificant to some, but waking up or putting on a hat or showering is so much more relaxing when I know my hair will look the same afterward. What's more, and I mentioned this in my New Year's post, I do want to evolve a lot this year. And with that comes some hard, some harder, decisions to make that happen. Shaving my head for me is like a physical marker of how much time has passed this year. I'm in my shaved-head era. That is the best way to put it. I'm in my shaved head era so that when I'm in my work-hard era I can look at my hair and see how long or how far I've come. Simple, yet it makes sense to me, so I do hope it makes sense to someone else. 

As much as shaving my head is not as important to anyone else as it is to me, I do think it was a necessary endeavor. Katie said something to me the other day that has stuck with me ever since; were in school, pursuing our dream careers, and all we can think about is boys. As painful as it is for me to admit, it is very true. On one hand, I've always been a relationship-oriented person, and I will never put anything before someone I love, but at this point, love in my generation is far and few to come by, especially for gay men, and my time is admittedly better spent on more productive things. I've begun taking my literature classes, and so far I am enjoying them. I dropped one, I can't remember if I talked about this on the blog or not, but it was a creative writing class with next to no creative writing involved in any of the assignments. However, the other class I'm taking, called Critical Reading and Writing, has actually been exactly what I wanted it to be. My passion for literature comes from a passion to analyze things. To take things as they are and dissect and discuss what it means or why it was created. And with that, comes to a lot of deep thinking that my brain is not necessarily built for. However, one of the textbooks was reading highlights some of the different ways literature can be interpreted. Freud, obviously being one of them, I've spent a good amount of time thinking about especially Freudian psychoanalysis, but also Marxist, which is one of the more recent lenses we began to discuss. What's interesting though, is how these lenses can be used for everything. "Yeah Christian that's what psychoanalysis means" right. You're right. But  I can't take psychology courses, mainly because there's no reason for me to, and this is the closest I can get. If you take critical Marxist theory and analyze fashion shows, you can definitely have some really interesting conversations, and that's what I mean by applying the lens to everything. Take Barragan for example, the brand I discusses last week. One of their most recent collections was made to highlight American consumerism, which could very easily be tied into capitalism and be involved in a conversation about Karl Marx. Freud could be used to analyze the styles of Vivienne Westwood, or Dolce and Gabbana, two brands that heavily rely on fantasy dress (remember me using dress in this context?), and could be discussed in a way that frames some of Freud's theories to fit the artistic context. For example, as I learn more about how to properly analyze things through certain lenses, I could say some shit like 

"The recent Dolce and Gabbana show showcases multiple looks that highlight the chest and stomach region. In some cases, the shifting erogenous signify a shifting ideology of the standard for feminine beauty, however, I believe Dolce and Gabbana want us to dive deeper. The stomach region of women is often associated with the birthing cycle, and matched by the open collar, revealing the model's chest and breasts, it seems like a clear nod to it. This erogenous zone having a deeper meaning is made clearer by the color of the fabric; red, which is often associated with both blood, but also love. In my eyes, Dolce and Gabbana are telling a story about the maternal femininity being seen are increasingly more sexually desirable. By focusing our attention on part of the body known to be a part of birth, and matching it with a deep red associated with violence and lust, Dolce and Gabbana are hinting towards Freudian theories of sexually desirable women matching the energy of the man who desires her's mother."

I made that entirely up, I have no idea if Dolce and Gabbana have released a red garment that matches that description, but this is why I'm so excited to mesh these two learnings together. I'm not good at it yet, whether that's due to lack of knowledge or I'm simply just bad, I'm excited to see how much more I can understand about art and fashion as I continue on with my literature classes. I was going to talk about Loewe today, I was also going to talk about sustainability and marketing, but I think that will have to wait. It's really a 50/50 draw on whether or not I will be able to get all of my thoughts out or not, and today I think was more of a "or not" kind of day. But that's okay! Maybe someday I'll actually be able to do good work :)

For media this week, I do have actual things to talk about! I recently started watching The Last of Us, and immediately also bought the game, so a lot of my thoughts are being consumed by that of Pedro Pascal and fungi zombies. I won't get into casting or anything cause I don't care, though the chick that's playing Tess is objectively a really bad actress. I'm more intrigued by the premise of Pedro Pascal and the way the zombies mutate. I remember a very distinct time on the way home from school in elementary school, when my stepdad showed me a video of the zombie fungus that inspired the virus in the game, and then the show. What's interesting about it is, to me, it does seem realistic. Basically what happens is that fungus can't affect us because it can't survive in our bodies due to the temperature. However, what if the planet were to get warmer, and requires organisms like fungi to evolve to withstand hotter climates? But that's what happens in the show, and it scares the fuck out of me cause what if, you know? I was also belligerently high when I started watching it so that most likely aided in my anxiety. For song of the week is either High and Dry by Radiohead, Where is my Mind by Pixies, or Andromeda by Weyes Blood. I'm not ashamed, I know that's Pixies most popular song, I know Radiohead is funny, but the songs are objectively good and I refuse to be embarrassed about my music taste just because someone on TikTok wants to gatekeep. I don't know.