12/18/22

This post is going to suck. Just prefacing. 

I go home tomorrow. Just for a few weeks, which I should be excited about. The issue is I'm not at all. I think this year has been very taxing in many ways, and to a lot of people, and at this point, it feels very difficult to be able to sit back and just enjoy what my life has become. It's not bad, I am significantly less unhappy than I was a month or so ago, and I have high hopes for what next semester will bring me. The issue I'm having is that I was so excited about everything I'm currently going through, coming back to school, being in Arizona, seeing my friends, going to classes, going to work, going to the gym more frequently, and the holidays. Last year going home for Christmas was the most exciting part of the second half of the semester. And seeing my mom and sister is going to feel so good and I'm so excited to be able to interact with people I think know me. But now it almost feels like a waste. I've wasted so many good memories feeling bad, that now I'm at a point where I kind of just want to hibernate until this ugly year is done with. Luckily I won't be home as long as last year, which means less time to relapse and cry over people who genuinely couldn't care less if I lived or died. But that also means two weeks of compressed stress, attempting to see everyone I want and need to see, while still trying to keep my head above water because, as we all should know if I'm sad before vacation, and I leave and go somewhere else, I will continue to be the same sad person I was before leaving. But I digress. I get to see my mom. I get to see my friends. I get to see my cats. Plus all the family members who know nothing about me nor care to ask are going to throw a $20 bill at me for Christmas, Hannukah, and my birthday, so maybe the money will feel good if nothing else does. 

Beyond that, this week has kind of sucked in general. And I want to say I know this blog is not meant to be me talking about my life, but at this point, the only people that read it are the ones who already know me, so I may as well just give into my self-oriented current thinking. There also just hasn't been much fashion stuff recently that I find particularly interesting for me to delve into. Plus I am under a lot of stress and this post is more of a formality, just to keep on top of things and make sure I'm posting when I can. I will say next semester is going to be crazy. My schedule is packed. And what's more, it's packed full of things I highly doubt are going to bring me joy. But I'm also excited, I'm excited to feel the grind of being in school. Though I know I said the same thing over the Summer and then complained about how unenjoyable life was, I'm praying next semester is going to be a change of pace. I have internships on my mind, and new apartments, it's going to be the start of my Literature minor classes, and things are going to feel good to do, it's just a matter of having time to myself to do other things that I'm worried about. That was the major fallacy in this semester, I packed my schedule full of work, school, and gym, and when it came down to it, my downtime was pretty lackluster. Come home, smoke a bowl, watch TV, and go to bed. Wake up, go to work, go to class, go to the gym, come home, smoke a bowl, and go to bed. Over and over and over again. But this will be different. Rather than jamming my shifts into any open spots, I created spots specifically to work. I have Monday and Wednesday with no classes and spread small shifts throughout my week. I'll have time. I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm also more excited about the classes I'm taking. Last semester was just blah, with nothing to really be excited about, and the only ones I was excited about I dreaded for other reasons that totally negated the enjoyment. But now I'll have no classes on the other campus, so no commuting. I have a class that focuses entirely on creating clothes, rather than half sizes, so that'll be amazing. I also have another fashion business class which, even if it's not fun, is an hour and a half, and I've heard good things about the professor, so fingers crossed, right? PLUS AHH so excited, like I said it's going to be the start of my literature classes, and I'm so excited for them. I have a creative writing class which I haven't done in so long and honestly, regardless of what the class is like, I'm just going to do what I want and complain if they give me bad grades for it. I mean it's a creative writing class they shouldn't be allowed to restrict my creativity too much. I also have a class on Africana studies, which I'm excited about solely for the purpose of broadening my education. I've definitely been dubbed in terms of the things I've been taught in school, so I'm glad I'm finally taking the opportunity to learn different subjects based solely on individual interests and not something required or chosen for me to learn about. 

This is going to be a shorter post because I'm two paragraphs in and already running out of things to say. I have so much on my mind right now don't get me wrong, I have things I could talk about. The issue is I don't think I want to. So much has happened and so much has changed and made me genuinely view the world slightly differently, but I fear that if I give it too much attention it'll eat away at me. Do y'all ever stop and think what this blog would be like if I just had therapy? Like if I had a normal outlet, this blog could be s focused on fashion. Too bad America hates mentally ill people and my insurance doesn't cover any of that anymore. Anyway, my point is, where do we draw the line? It's not healthy to keep things bottled up, but it's also not healthy to sit and stew in your own head. So I'm at a crossroads. Point is. Don't be a fucking tool and maybe Reid won't have to go on tangents about queer dating on a blog meant to focus on fashion and art. It doesn't matter. At this point nothing really does. The year is almost over, I vote I leave everything, everything in the past. No more men, no more friends that annoy me but I keep them around anyways, no more grueling over what is missing inside of me that makes everyone so eager to find someone better. I'm going to heal. Finally. I'm going to set time aside to process this. Because I think that's been the issue a lot of people have been dealing with lately, even on a broader scale than just this year. The pandemic happened, then the world turned on the BLM movement, then the election, then more Covid shit, then like two separate WWIII threats, Euphoria wasn't easy for any of us, no prom, work through the Summers, college starts, drama ensues, drinking, drugs, more drama. Then this year. This evil, dark, twisted year had such a way of finding our weakest spots, and hitting us twice. I haven't had time to grieve. No time to sit and think about what I need to do to better myself. Cause I want it to happen now. That's the thing I've been thinking about so much recently. You sit in your room, the sun is setting and the shadows spread further across the floor, and all you can think about is what you could possibly be missing. Why does it feel like everyone else is fine, going through the motions and coming out the other side unscathed, and yet you're still lonely? Not physically I mean you have friends, right? But let's be honest, they have their own stuff, and you'd really rather not add to their troubles cause at the end of the day it's not their problem. It's better to do it alone. But every time you get to a point of relaxing in your mind, you get hit one more time. And then again. And now it's been a year and obviously, you're over it but it still eats away at you in the quiet of your bed. Because this year has sucked. Do not get me wrong, I don't mean to be negative. But I think if we all come to the same terms, 2023 should be about healing. Not a new year for a new you, but a year for you to find yourself again. And maybe once that happens, even when you get hit twice, three times, four times, you'll be sure of yourself enough to get around it. That's what I'm hoping for. 

I'm out. I can't promise I'm going to post next week because of all the shit that's going to be going on, but I promise I'll try. I hope you all have amazing holidays, enjoy family time, and enjoy a break from whatever you need a break from. Happy Hannukah, which starts tomorrow, so you're Hebrew prayer, barukh atah adonai and all that. I love you.

~ Christian Reid