6/4/23

Hi, my beautiful friends! I've missed you oh so much. I hope none of you hate me too much for changing the format, I know you're all die-hard fans of mine, and I'd hate to disappoint you in any way. But This goes to show I stand by my word and have no intention of stopping the blog altogether, only making it more sparse to allow for other subjects and creative outlets to have some time to flourish as well. As much as I love writing, which is how this whole thing came to be, I still have a lot of interest in other subjects, like vlogging, podcasting, and journalism. So this journey's main focus is expanding "me", trying different ways to do what I enjoy; talking. I just love to talk, spread information, and let people know that this random fact I saw on Twitter two weeks ago made me think of this other thing I saw, and so on. My main passion in life is to tell people random things I know. "Christian Reid, why don't you go into education?" Because that blows. There is a part of me that will always have some interest in being a professor in my field, having no right to be an educator but just being so good at what I do that a University wants me to tell others how to do it, Ross Geller style. But I also acknowledge that that isn't what I want to do with my life, so the alternative is just spreading information on any subject for any reason to anybody who will listen. 

I've been thinking a lot about that idea, and what that probably looks like to a lot of other people. So I want to go on the record to say that I have never and will never claim to be The One to inform people. I am wildly misinformed about many things and my opinion on a lot of topics is probably one of the least valuable. I'm not doing this because I think I should do it, I'm doing it because I like doing it. And with that, I'm so glad that I have the kind of friends who will at least fain interest in it for long enough that we've now gotten to a point in which I have 5 different ways to do it, 4 different accounts, 3 different webpages, two different posting schedules, and one massive ego. I'm glad that even with friends who could not care less about literally anything about me, I also have so many friends and, what's more, family, who go out of their way to support this stupid shit for as long as I keep up with it. I don't think I've ever said thank you, so thank you to the people I live with, the friends I grew up with, and the random podcaster I befriended a year ago, genuinely all you need to do is like the story I post the link on, but you actually read and watch sometimes, and I can't stress how much that means to me. This is the one thing I've done, on my own, with no outside influence making me, persuading me, or forcing me, and now I'm a year in and I write 5-page articles about random literature and fashion topics solely because I wanted to when lord knows my professors can't PAY me to write a 5-page essay on whatever subjects they're teaching. Anyway, it means a lot, so thanks for the consistency. 

I've been having these thoughts so much because Summer has long since started, a month into in fact, and I struggle daily with what to do throughout my day when I'm not at work. And a lot of my decisions involve writing, self-care, exercise, sunlight, things that allow my brain some space to calm down and reflect on my life. One of the first things I've noticed is a huge decrease in interest in my iPhone. Despite what my screen time most likely says right now because of the hour's worth of podcasts I leave playing while I'm doing stuff, I no longer care for being on my phone just because I'm not doing something else. I hate doom-scrolling, I open Snapchat maybe twice a  day, Instagram I open and check for messages and then close it immediately if I have nothing, I have two dating apps, neither of which are giving me any kind of excitement in any way. I just don't enjoy it anymore. And part of me thinks its a phase and when my mood shifts as will my opinion on my iPhone, this is hardly the first time I thought I was maturing past my iPhone, but this is also the first time my lack of interest revolves around an increased interest in other things. I'm at a point in which I'm actively choosing other things over playing on my iPhone, and I think that has allowed me more time for myself to reflect on everything. 

This year, a lot of my concerns, gripes, hardships, and stresses have revolved around men. Unfortunately, this is not something I know for a fact I can or can not control, but what I do know is I've gone on one date within the past 3 months, and leaves me open after exchanging three messages with me. I'm done. The three most important things emphasized in this country (I'm leaving out power because I mean this in a more individualistic sense) are money, love, and happiness. Having money, being in love, and being happy, are three things that are consistently enforced on everyone to have, but also three of the hardest things to get your hands on. This is why it's such a common trope that you can really only focus on one at a time, or at least need to complete one to get another. You have to sacrifice happiness and love to make money (you hate your job and don't have time to go on dates), sacrifice money and happiness to be in love (you spent $50 on dinner and you have BPD), and love and money to be happy (you're a shop-a-holic and you need to love yourself because others can love you), making each and every one of us constantly clamor for the next one we lack. Obviously, these are very drastic generalizations, not everyone hates their job, has BPD, and needs material goods to feel like a more worthy human being, but I think in a broad sense one can understand that this does ring true for a lot of people. I'm personally working on happiness, because, while making money doesn't necessarily make you happy, being happy makes it a lot easier to make money, AND find love. And for now, I am perfectly content on waiting for both of those things, because I think we all need to give ourselves a lot more grace when it comes to them. Especially at the age I am now, it's easy to forget that 20 is a perfectly normal age to be where I'm at, and everything that isn't okay is within my control. At the cusp of adulthood, not entirely off on my own but far from relying on anybody, I struggle a lot with what someone in my position does. Is a 20-year-old supposed to be looking for marriage? Am I supposed to have a better job? Is it normal to settle? The answer is it doesn't fucking matter. None of it does. How many dates you go on, how much money you make, how many shoes you own, whether or not you cried today, the best maturing someone can do for themselves is acknowledge nobody else cares, and you're the only person it's affecting so if it's upsetting you then you should fix it. And it's hard, and it sucks, and every waking second of every day is a brutal reminder that somewhere out there there's a brunch table at Urth Cafe in Los Angeles filled with nepotism babies who don't know the difference between credit or debit. But it also doesn't need to. It does right now because we're made to think we need to work on the big three all at the same time, be happy, have money, and be loved, right now. But were allowed to take it slow, we have all the time in the world to figure it out one step at a time, to be happy first so you can find love, maybe your new partner's dad owns a business you can work with, boom, checked all three. 

The point is; to go through phases. Experiment with yourself to figure out what feels good in your mind. Because if, as you know I struggle with very frequently, you hate everything, it's most likely because the life you're forcing down your throat isn't meant for you. Get to know yourself. I think one of my biggest issues with, especially, my mood swings, is every time I feel like I've shifted I have to regroup with myself and figure out what changed. I know I've talked about it before but I can't remember where so I'll say it again, I am a very relationship-oriented person. The one thing I know always makes me feel good (for a little tiny bit before people act like people) is having a relationship, romantic, platonic, or familiar to fixate on. But after my last little situations, I completely and totally lost interest in the romantic scene entirely. No dates, no hookups, barely any romantic messages sent one way or another. And for a while, it was completely throwing me off because I still want a relationship. I want to go on dates and I want to Snapchat people and I want to get excited when my phone goes off and yadda yadda yadda, but I'm no longer interested in pursuing that. And as a result, I thought something was wrong with me, that something had shifted in my entire being and I was never going to be the same again. This is what I mean when I say allow yourself to go through phases. Figure yourself out. Okay, so one part of your brain is saying you do want something, but another is saying the complete opposite, do you panic? Freak out? Diagnose yourself with a brain tumor and doom-scroll on WebMD for two hours (teehee). No, it's a sign to sit and think about what it is you actually want. You know you cant appease both sides of your brain because their opinions are polar opposites, so you sit down, get out a journal, light some incents, and figure out what the thing is that's creating the split. You don't want it, but you want it, so maybe you do want it just in a different way. Or maybe only a little bit. Maybe you just want a break. And during this thinking, don't keep doing it. I had to tell myself this, continuing to use dates as an example, don't go on a date while trying to decide if you want to be dating right now. I know you're allowed, but none of your friends have this issue why are you the only one who has so many thoughts all the time, why can't you just have fun and worry about the consequences later? Because if you ignore what your mind is telling you "Help me help please we haven't been in therapy for years just listen for tWO FUCKING SECONDS!!!!" it only gets worse in the future, and then you're 30 and still single and you have no idea what you want because rather than taking a day to figure it out while you still had time, you went on a Tinder date with someone who raves who now you're alone and have crabs. 

Self-care consists of more than face masks and body scrubs. Your "self" needs a lot more than just attending to your appearance, your mind, your soul, your energy, and your heart needs those moments of love. Self-care is about acceptance, though Twitter and Instagram have changed it to piling on products and lathers to make yourself feel better on the outside, real self-care makes you feel good. And sometimes all that takes is a little alone time with your thoughts, to listen to yourself for what it is that you need. Its Summer. It's June and Netflix is still black and red. There is a very very threatening aura going on in the world right now, and the last thing it needs is another woman with a cow print headband using an acrylic Gua Sha that will give her face wrinkles within the next 20 years. It needs you to loveeeeeee and be loveeeeed. Everyone is attacking everyone, but you, baby girl, don't need to. Be a real hippie, not the racist ones, not the ones who bought one citrine crystal or zodiac coffee table book, be the kind of hippie who just gives love to things, animals, plants, people, and yourself. Because above everything else, that's what everyone needs. Rich white men. And Mormons. 

That's it. I love you all, glad to have another blog under the books. I hope you guys enjoyed this little motivation addition. I probably won't post on the blog again for a little bit, I'm going to cycle through the different pages to post on each week, but keep an eye out for new articles, blogs, or essays posted every Monday. I love you all, have an amazing week, watch the new podcast, and read the articles. Byeeeee.