10/9/22

Hi my little lovelies, I've missed you greatly. But great news, I HAVE A LAPTOP AGAIN (say 'thank you, mommy')

Yeah, finally after almost a month, a laptop has once again come into my possession and I'm so grateful, I genuinely am not sure how much longer I could've lasted without it, it was like a prolonged, month lasting panic attack 24/7. Other than that honestly not much else has happened. 

Its been a hot sec since I've posted (that wont happen again now that I have a laptop), so there is certainly much to discuss, but I'm honestly struggling to remember everything I've done. Last weekend, the weekend I was meant to post and didn't, was my roommates birthday! Saturday a bunch of us went to our friends house and had a little kickback which, for me, was very enjoyable, I'm not 100% sure if the same can be said for everyone else, but that's neither my circus nor my monkeys, so Ill focus on the positive. We drank, smoked, smoked, smoked, drank, I was dressed like a slut which always feels good, and walked up and down 3rd so many times I'm surprised I didn't burn through all the alcohol in my system, but overall, I had a very good time. Monday was her real birthday, however, but we did less that day. Katie got up and decorated early so Abby would see it when she woke up, I did no such thing. I work early mornings on Monday so I was already pushing it to wake up as early as I had to. Then I'm pretty sure all we did for the actual birthday was have a few friends over and just hangout, but I'm the real reason everyone came because; Christian Reid knows how to bake now. Granted, I literally made red velvet cupcakes from the box, but I do actually know how to bake as well, I just didn't really put it to the test then. Anyhow, the cupcakes were delicious, Abby's goliath of a boy-toy ate like five of them which made me very happy. The only other item of note from my weeks is in my fashion merchandising class me and my group gave a presentation and did better than everyone else. Its actually quite funny, basically everyone was meant to create a SWOT analysis for two stores that the group we were in decides to visit. We did these two cute vintage clothing stores, and presented our findings within the first 15 minutes of class. The remaining four groups, three of which got to present, took up the remaining two hours of class, resulting in the professor needing to cut the class off early because her fucking parking expired, only confirming that my group had the right idea, and the other three that presented for like 45 minutes each went way overboard. 

The rest of my weeks has been pretty tame. Work, class, I've been incredibly depressed cause it is now October and, as a Girl in Red fan, I am bred to believe one is meant to fall in love in October. If anyone I've fucked or talked to recently is interested, please let me know, its gotten to the point where I'm not speaking to my friends as frequently because they are in relationships and not only does it make me sad, it makes me hate them. Break up break up break up break up break up break up. This does actually lead me into my next point, which will lead me into my actual points for this post (fashion related topic, yay). I've recently begun dating people in the hopes of finding a relationship which I haven't really done prior. I've gone on dates, we remember me talking about Thomas on a previous post, and I've certainly hung out with a fair share of people, but it usually doesn't amount to anything beyond sex. Definitely an issue on its own for me personally. The thing I'm actually noticing though, is how right I've been for so long. I've been complaining about the pitfalls of the gay community for so long now, about how sex is the currency of love, especially for someone like myself, how in most scenarios, your worth is denoted to nothing more than the body you reside in. But I didn't really realize how much it leaked into dating, specifically. I complain about it, but I also know myself. I know I'm not a very well off person, mentally, and have had a good amount of experiences, and a good amount of DNA, that makes it difficult for me to date, leading me to mainly reside in the friends-with-benefits area, and though I want a relationship, I know that its good for me to figure out what I want first. Well I've done that now, I feel ready to give the mental energy that it takes to be in a relationship that exists outside the regions of my prostate. Unsurprisingly, even the good dates don't mean anything. I'm not sure if its because I'm young, or the fact that I'm emotionally matured past most people in my area, or I'm not communicating my wants clearly enough, or because I do very much present myself as someone sexually empowered, or if I'm just shit out of luck, but it feels ever more apparent that options are slim. Beyond myself, the culture raises a lot of questions about the correct ways to go about dating as a queer individual. Online dating is objectively the easiest option, but there's definitely a lot more sex there. So one would say just meet someone in person, but who knows how long Id have to wait to find someone then. 

The largest argument I have is how the culture reflects our bodies, our body image, our everything. As I talked about, I think, in the last post, our sexuality shouldn't be a reflection of our self wroth. But the funny thing, and how I think it crosses over into so many facets of our lives, is that dating in general really makes me think about myself in a completely different way. If I go on a date without who doesn't fuck me by the end of the day, they must think I'm ugly. What do I bring to the table without my body? Because its been so engrained in the brains of so many people on the other sides of dates that dating leads to sex. But if every date ends in sex, why aren't they seeing the deeper me, the true me, the me with flaws and personality, interests and hobbies? And this idea, the connection between sex and love, your body and your worth, leaks into everything. If you're pretty, you can be anything. Being anxious and weird looks different on you then it does on me. On everyone. But the big thing is the communication of this idea in the world around us. We consume so much media about acceptance, being beautiful in your own skin, but at a certain points the way this idea is brought about becomes less impactful, in my opinion, because we all know it isn't true. We get acceptance shoved down our throats constantly, but we never get to accept anything before a million other forms of media only further perpetuate that no matter how many times people say 'you're beautiful just the way you are' there are still a good amount of exceptions. Bringing me to my long-standing beef with Bella Hadid. Recently campaigning for Victorious Secret, Bella Hadid recently did a video about the idea of being beautiful in your own skin, showing many women, skinny, fat, muscular, disabled, white, black, asain, an overall diverse video. Good idea, of course we should teach acceptance, especially when you're Victorious Secret who's notorious for really only working with skinny white people. But, you have admit, if you're an overweight, black, trans, woman, feeling alienated against yourself by the beauty standards constantly perpetuated in the media, nothing can be more refreshing than seeing a skinny, white, cis, rich, woman telling you not to worry about it; Bella Hadid. This is the issue I have with so much of what 'people' are now. A body acceptance campaign, made by Victorious Secret, headlined by Bella Hadid, telling you that your only issue is confidence. 

However, I have more bones to pick with Bella Hadid. There's definitely a specific kind of rhetoric that occurs when we attach to a new headlining white woman. Brittany, Katy, Hallie Steinfeld, Billie, Bella, a world history long lineup of skinny white people who have the power to negate attention from literally everyone else. My example is the Coporni show Ms. Hadid did at Paris Fashion week. Bella walked down the runway, I believe fully nude minus some "skin" colored pasties, before a dress was sprayed onto her, displaying technology for spray on fabric, which would be a really cool idea, if not for the fact that this technology has existed for decades already. This is the perfect example of why I fucking cannot stand Bella Hadid. Not really her fault, but its the constant attention she's able to accomplish by simply existing. This show was nothing new, nothing we have not seen, nothing articles have not been discussing since the early 2000's, but its Bella Hadid, so the media is eating every ounce of her naked body up. From a business perspective, Coporni is extremally smart in using Bella Hadid's fame to there advantage, from an individual perspective, it infuriates the inner part of me that actually cares about the impact stuff like this has on the general public. A model who just spoke about body inclusivity, sporting nothing on a runway, to display an invention that is so far from new its boring, because she's sellable, and she's what we all should want to be. 

Im done. I hope you all had amazing weeks, I will be uplaodiung next week so do not even fret, I know you all miss me when I dont post. I love you all, have an absolutely amazing day, I'm about to demolish some eggs so I will talk to you soon. 

Love,

~Christian Reid