10/30/22

Happy Halloweekend! A small part of me wanted to wait and post this on Halloween itself, but that's fucking dumb, so here we are. I hope you all had a good week and did some things that make you happy, I know I tried.

 I wanna talk about my week so that's what I'm going to do. As you know, if you read last week's post, I had a presentation for my social sciences class on Wednesday, so the prior three days, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were totally and entirely consumed by stress and anxiety for that. I think anyone who knew me in high school might vouch that presenting by myself for the class wasn't something I often stressed too much over, especially after freshman year. I mean I got the jitters, and I literally cried during an economics presentation, but that was mostly out of gleeful embarrassment than actual nerves. In college, however, it's an entirely different conversation. I don't know almost anyone in any of my classes, and what's more, I don't like them, so the idea of having to stand in front of a collection of people who don't know me nor, most likely, like me, does get the heart pumping a little bit. That being said I don't think I did too poorly. Writing down my thoughts last week helped in terms of organization, so once that was done I only needed to figure out how I was going to say them. I ended up cutting a lot of the meat out, which unfortunately caused my argument to be significantly less thoughtful than I had originally hoped. However, at the end of class, I read the notes my professor took whilst I was presenting, and the only negative thing she had to say was on the topic of a technical issue I experienced, which was the result of a formatting issue, as it was meant to be presented through google, and she didn't set it up that way. But it's honestly ok, I blacked out for most of it so I can only attest to the feeling of relief now that it's over and done with. 

The real topic of interest this week, however, is Halloween! I and my roommates had been planning a Halloween party to take place in our apartment for about a month, so after my presentation, 100% of my focus shifted from school to party planning, which in my mind, also went pretty well. We had a bunch of people over, most of which weren't even my friends, so it was a party, so mommy got good and drunk. Which answers the question of what happened; I don't know. Whether or not it's healthy is up for debate, but the way I like to party is to get as drunk as possible before the party starts, and then just let the experiences flow naturally out of my drunken maw. I'll try my best to summarize. Most people started showing up close to 9:00 or 9:30, we had a beer pong table on the balcony, and my roommates and my room were each decorated with a different theme, mine was a circus, though it became more of a break room for people to chill and use the bathroom when they needed. The downside of the party and I think of the past few weeks which I'm sure you're all very tired of hearing about, is I'm so single it's physically tangible, and my best friend that I usually make out with at these things now has a boyfriend, so I had NOTHING. But, focusing on the positive, I looked sexy in my Catwoman costume (also I still haven't taken off the nails I put on for that costume, and typing this right now is so fucking annoying), my friends looked sexy, I did the drugs I wanted to do and had a blast. 

Saturday was a major recovery day, in that I did not leave my apartment other than to pick up the Panera we ordered, and I was and continue to be experiencing symptoms of clinical depression. But that's not relevant. What is relevant, is some big news! For the past few months, I have been giving a lot of thought to my career. I know I like fashion, and I think that's obvious, but at this point, I'm still somewhat unsure of what topic of fashion I'm truly passionate about. I'm in the design track, which means a majority of my classes relate fashion design or construction, and a lot of focus is on how the fashion industry works so that I and my peers are prepared for when we have to go out and start working. But, at the end of the day, I'm not sure if the design is even what I want to do, and the further into I get, the more I realize my interest in fashion is not as broad as I had thought. I have also become increasingly stressed about the probability of success. It's no new observation that art majors are kind of fucked when it comes to doing what they went to school for, and one of the main ways to prevent that is through talent. I don't know if I have any. I have passion, I have the drive, and I have a lot of thoughts, but when it comes to the actual construction of a garment, there are a good amount of people significantly more talented than myself, whether or not they're more deserving is arguable, but I objectively, I don't feel like I'm doing enough outside of my classes to show any real skill I possess. So, I've been looking at alternative routes, or backups, if fashion doesn't go as according to plan. Originally, I had been interested in minoring in business, as I felt that that would be marketable enough to make my portfolio more desirable. What I didn't consider was I have no interest in business, at least not taking classes specifically for it. Thus I started looking into sustainability, as fashion is one of the most wasteful industries that exists, I think that would be something I would like to be knowledgeable in for my end goal of starting my brand. The only issue with that remains success after school, and minoring in sustainability doesn't necessarily open enough doors for me to view it as a worthy endeavor. So where does this take me? What does Christian Reid care enough about to try hard enough for it to take me somewhere in the world? It's no surprise that I'm a man of many hobbies, which has aided in the doubtfulness of my career. I do a lot of things, and like doing a lot of things, but just as easily as I get started, I lose interest.  I used to make music and stopped rather abruptly. I played guitar for a good three months, and piano for a solid year or so, though it was more like once a month Id play for 6 hours straight and then not again for three weeks. I used to sculpt, polish crystals, make jewelry, paint, draw, and skate, I got good at the unicycle. I make clothes, knit, and crochet, I played basketball for four years and once I stopped I never played again. And throughout all of this have been small "business" ventures as a way to make it look like these hobbies accomplish something beyond quenching my undying desire to feel good at something, but never has it taken me anywhere, lasted long enough, or been a consistent task for myself for it to ever really mean anything. Except for this. In middle school, I wrote a short story about a superhero I invented, and created a whole book for it and everything, along with a few character designs. In high school, I wrote a few more "books", though they never saw the light of day. And now this. This blog is honestly the one thing I have started and consistently given my energy to for a substantial period. And regardless of its impact, it's one of the few things I've created that I am proud of. And it made me realize a passion I've had for over a decade, that I never thought anything of until very recently; writing. I won't claim to be good at it, I mean one of the main criticism I receive on this blog is how abysmal my grammar is, though that is something I'm trying to work on, it is something I wanted to do, began doing, and have kept doing, for many months. And the main thing I've realized is that when I care, and when I truly have something I want to say, I can give a thought-out, in-depth breakdown of my thoughts and the subject at hand. So, after months of thought, and even more months of stress, I'm now officially going to be minoring in English Literature! At this point, I've yet to truly understand what it is I've gotten myself into, or how much harder I've just made things for myself and my capabilities, but I do know that I'm is very excited to find out. If I can graduate, use three years of writing and fashion learning, and do something like this, where I can share my thoughts about a recent runway, or a particular fashion-related scandal, I can see myself becoming very happy with my life. And if not, I can work with writing, or I can work with fashion, or I can do both, and regardless it'll be something I know about, and something I care about, and that's all I want for myself. 

So far today has been very self-oriented, and I'm sorry, but I truly don't have much else to talk about. 

Yeah, I think that's it. Last week I talked about a big topic so this week is a typical blog post. I hope maybe my thoughts on education had some impact. I don't know. Also, this post heavily reminds me of my posts from over the summer so maybe nostalgia points as well. Let me know in the comments below.

I hope you all had amazing weeks and even better weekends. I wanna see all your costumes, like tag me or something that could be fun. Ok stay safe, we still have two more days of partying left before Thanksgiving rears its ugly little head, and make sure you're taking care of yourselves. We're grownups, don't be fucking dumb, get some fentanyl test strips. Love you all, talk to you soon <3

~ Christian Reid